Stage

As of June 2008 we are no longer counselors.

Stage & Themes	Tasks	Attitudes	Affective Tone	Expectations	Perceptions	Problems	Transition
Romance/ Honeymoon1 Fusion	To nurture each other To develop basis for satisfying sex in caring/supportive relationship To develop sense of belonging	We are one We are the same Both give and receive without much effort	Passionate Romantic Infatuation Madly in Love Eye Contact Touching	You will provide for my needs, wants, happiness	You are perfect You are mine I am yours	If one partner moves faster towards independence in providing for him/herself with job or friends, he/she may be pulled back by other who may feel devastated that partner wants to do something with someone else	Partners begin to recognize they are not exactly alike

Expectation 2 COMPROMISE	To relinquish family of origin To establish firm boundaries and self esteem	You are changing You are different You are not living up to my expectations	Disappointment Anxiety Conformity Accommodation Wanting to be close but not sure how to reach each other	You must make me happy Closeness and dependence give way to the reality of household tasks	You are changing What’s wrong with me	Different timetables require partners to realize they don’t have to do everything together or feel the same all the time. One partner may feel rejected or abandoned. Couple must work out how to be apart and still enjoy time together. They must find ways to reconcile differences	Recognition and affirmation of differences

Power Struggle 3 CONTROL	To begin developing problem-solving, decision making, and negotiating procedures To learn responsibility for own thoughts, feelings, actions. To support partner’s growth as an individual	If you won’t be like me I’ll leave you.	Ambivalence Distrust Anger Blaming Polarization Confrontation	Why won’t you make me happy? She’s manipulative He won’t see my position	You are just like my mother/father You don’t love me You are selfish, self-centered	Power struggle can be intense. Partners get stuck in patterns of accusation and blame: You always forget to … She/He always … Both partners feel pain, distress	Recognition of need to control. Beginning taking independent positions. Little steps to reconnecting. One partner may realize patterns tap into unresolved struggle with parents

Stage & Themes	Affective Tone	Expectations	Perceptions	Problems	Transition
Seven Year Itch 4 COMPETITION	To develop individually and see partner as separate person.	Who am I? Can I make it without him/her? I want to be me.	Fight / Flight Argumentative / Withdrawal	I can make myself happy I can take care of myself I need some time/space for myself	I love myself	Struggle for independence marks major change in relations. Some relationships will survive separation or divorce, at this stage. One or both partners may begging distancing self from other partner with an affair, turning outward rather than turning inward and completing self-identity process	Recognition that each has individual needs to resolve. Recognition of own limitations. Stating wants/needs more openly. Maintaining one’s own identity in the relationship. Partners choose to resolve issues of independence within the relationship

Reconciling 5 COOPERATION	To develop a clearer sense of self. To understand that striving for independence is normal. To take responsibility for individual needs. To develop more open, honest approach with partner, directly leading to increased intimacy	I am beginning to recognize my own inner struggles.	Reconciliation	Seeing self/other as real live separate person who may not meet my expectations. Acceptance of the parts of self that create such expectations	You have your conflicts and I have mine. I can’t change you, you can’t change me.	Couple struggles toward intimacy. Partners may uncover unresolved conflicts from family of origin.	Use of conflicts and disagreements as opportunities for learning about selves. See differences as enhancement of relationship, rather than threat. Ups and downs are increasingly predictable

Acceptance 6 COLLABORATION	To stabilize perspective of self & partner. To choose to stay in relationship. To take responsibility for satisfying one’s needs. To support each’s strength & successes.	I am seeing you as you are. Partners know themselves and enjoy being together.	Accepting. High level of warmth.	I’ll take care of my needs and wants; you take care of yours	We can be separate and we can reconnect without losing our identities. A time of surging personal growth; no need to pour energy into the relationship	Conflicts are handled as they arise, through negotiation.	Recognition and acceptance of interdependence.